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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28117059">The Ice is Getting Thinner</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokeandjollyranchers/pseuds/smokeandjollyranchers'>smokeandjollyranchers</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, The quiet ones check in, Unrequited Love, one sided widojest</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:27:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,169</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28117059</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokeandjollyranchers/pseuds/smokeandjollyranchers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Caleb is also smiling, perfectly placed. It’s so easy, he realizes, even now as he feels something crack inside of him, to keep a brave face on for her. Jester’s eyes can usually spot the subtle differences in him, but her delirious happiness is distracting her, saving Caleb the trouble. He smiles at her when she meets his eyes, his heart choking as he whispers </p>
<p>I’m so happy for you.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Caleb Widogast &amp; Yasha, Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>83</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Ice is Getting Thinner</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>There’s something so bitter about getting exactly what you’d hoped for. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Caleb watches them now, basking in the response from their announcement. Jester is on the edge of her seat, eyes sparking as she looks over her friends at the breakfast table. Her words hang above them, leaving everyone as stunned as Caleb. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Fjord kissed me you guys! We’re together now! </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Fjord’s smile is fond enough, his eyes on Jester as their friends watch him. Veth recovers first, her eyebrow quirking. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You could do better</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jester pouts, and instantly starts defending Fjord. Beau laughs next, slapping Fjord on the back as hard as she can. He nearly face plants into the table as Beau cheers. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Congrats! You took your damn time. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jester is smiling, laughing, her fingers laced with Fjord’s. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Caleb is also smiling, perfectly placed. It’s so easy, he realizes, even now as he feels something crack inside of him, to keep a brave face on for her. Jester’s eyes can usually spot the subtle differences in him, but her delirious happiness is distracting her, saving Caleb the trouble. He smiles at her when she meets his eyes, his heart choking as he whispers </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m so happy for you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s spared Jester’s insight, but Caduceus’ crawls up his neck. The Grave Cleric is watching him, as he excuses himself to go prep his spells, nevermind that’s been done for hours now. Cad says nothing, he rarely has to, Caleb can hear everything in his eyes, the careful mix of comfort and consequence. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No love is wasted, Caleb. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Caleb pretends not to see it, pretends he’s strolling rather peacefully, instead of being paralyzed by trying to process the smile on Jester’s face. The </span>
  <em>
    <span>knowing </span>
  </em>
  <span>fondness in Fjord’s smile. He thinks of it, over and over as he finds himself in the library, His steps are muted against the plush carpeting in here, it reminds him of the dome, covered, hidden. Enough. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>He settles into a chair, Frumpkin appearing between his hands. Caleb watches Frumpkins eyes widen, his soul pushing against Caleb’s, clocking the storm trapped in his ribs. Frumpkin stands on his chest, purring as he pushes his face against Caleb’s chin. The wizard pets him, methodically, like he’s trying to calm his already calm breathing. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Bitter</span>
  </em>
  <span>, sharp jealously cuts through his gut, and he desperately tries to will it away. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he snarls against it.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>No, that isn’t right. I wanted this. I wanted her happy, I wanted Fjord to step up. I wanted this. I wanted this. I don’t get to be upset when exactly what I want happens. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His fingers trail through Frumpkin’s fur, only trembling a little. It’s a little jarring, trying to sort through everything railing against his head. Usually Caleb allows his head to lead, his mind is sharp and quick, and it’s hell bent on protecting itself, above whatever Caleb might want. It’s usually so easy to fall back on his mind, to not have to think as he moves forward but— </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s the softest knock at the library door, Caleb think he maybe imagined it, but Frumpkin stops purring to look at the door as well. There’s another beat of silence before the hesitant knock comes again, and Caleb calls them in. He’s surprised, but also not when Yasha comes in. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yasha, is everything— </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Are you okay? </span>
  </em>
  <span>She interrupts him, tone curt and eyes soft in that way only Yasha can be. Caleb nods, more than a little uncomfortable with the way every single emotion is bubbling under his skin, so close to exposing everything about him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Yasha doesn’t accept this, and she seats herself down near him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You know...if you aren’t— </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yasha.</span>
  </em>
  <span> His voice stops her, the edge they both hear obvious in the muted air around them. </span>
  <em>
    <span>If it’s okay I don’t want to….I don’t want to open this up. It’s...this isn’t a good time to be so— </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His voice trails off, and Yasha watches him, a strange sort of understanding in her eyes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Caleb, it’s...it’s never going to be a good time. And whatever is...bleeding inside of you deserves to be acknowledged. Things don’t cause pain because it intends on slipping away. It will demand your attention. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It feels selfish, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Caleb admits, a harsh laugh following. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It feels selfish to have any opinion on this, on her happiness. I shouldn’t...I don’t have the right to this. I shouldn’t— I don’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>want </span>
  <em>
    <span>to feel like this. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And I know I won’t have to, there’s only so long that this will hurt, right? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Caleb continues, not meeting Yasha’s eyes, words falling now. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I do want her to be happy, I’m so glad she’s happy. This is just— </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You aren’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>wrong </span>
  <em>
    <span>to love her. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Yasha whispers, though it seems to echo between them. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Feeling this isn’t a punishment Caleb. And I know it hurts, and I know you don’t want it to but you’re right, it will get better, but it will take time. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Caleb barks another laugh here, at the mention of his ever present enemy. Time, time passes despite his best efforts, each second invested into this broken used to be considered an investment, irrelevant, he was going to change all of this. It was never going to be permanent. He fell so far from his intended future, and yet. Here he stays. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>That’s why I don’t reccomend….yielding to this. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Yasha pushes, a little firmer this time. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s not going to go away, no matter how desperately you try to smother it. Some pain offers nothing, other types aren’t any less painful but….</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But any day that has Jester Lavorre in it, is a much better day. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Caleb finishes, idly, a mortifying burn behind his eyes. He forces a smile, and Yasha blurs in his vision. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It just hurts to be here. It hurts to be. It is so strange to...to ache for something that never was. I feel stupid, in so many ways, and I still can’t imagine a time where I would do any of this differently. I’m useless. I’m content to be useless. I feel— </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>We can change, sometimes in the best ways, when we’re shown the kind of love we've been missing. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Yasha says, choosing her words carefully. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Zuala made me brave, no matter how much I didn’t want to be. And Beau….Beau gives me hope in a way I never would have brave enough to pray for. Any piece of you that you feel has been made better? It’ll stay. We can leave love on each other like we can leave scars, they’re just harder to see. Whatever good you’ve learned is yours, Caleb. Regardless of what you view as the source. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He can feel the burn behind his eyes give at that, and in the silence between them, Yasha’s fingers lace with his, and she stays. She stays while Caleb catches his breath, his composure solidly back where it belongs. He lifts shiny eyes to Yasha’s and he squeezes their hands. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’ll be okay. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It’s been a minute!! And everything is all wonky! Real life is confusing and dnd love is muddled and we cope how we cope!!! Which is through angst, pretty much. It’s hard, I think, to want someone to be happy more than you want them to be yours. But if you can find that solace inside you, I’d guess it feels pretty fucking cathartic. </p>
<p>Anyways!! Enjoy! Youcanreplytothispain</p></blockquote></div></div>
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